How to help someone who is grieving

Editor’s note: This article originally appeared in the Fall 2023 issue of Southwestern News.

Often, we grieve because we loved someone very much. Grieving isn’t a logical process. We can’t control the length of grieving by what we do or don’t do. Hence, grieving forces us to realize our helplessness as human beings and dependence on God for comfort. Here are some ways to help someone who is grieving.

Know that people grieve in different ways. Some people want to visit the cemetery regularly and others do not. Some people will express grief visibly and loudly, but others will try to hide their emotions. Upbringings and culture shape how people grieve. “Cry softly.” “Cry loudly.” “Hide your tears.” “Men don’t cry.”

Give permission to grieve. It is normal to grieve. It is not sinful to grieve. “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). Ask, “Have you allowed yourself to grieve?” This could be a turning point for individuals who haven’t grieved yet, even though a loved one died months or years ago. The book of Psalms is full of laments, crying out to God because He cares for us and is in control (e.g., Ps. 13, 42). It could be used to remember God’s presence at all times.

Good intentions do not necessarily give comfort. Often, we can be quick to speak because of a desire to comfort. “You have other children.” “At least you had time to prepare for this death.” We might even share theology. Think of Job’s friends. They stayed with Job silently for seven days, demonstrating their care for him, but then they were unhelpful in explaining why Job was suffering (Job 2-31). Sometimes, silence is more powerful.

Be careful of trying to preach when this person is overwhelmed.

Be simple. “I am praying for you.” “I love you.” “I’m here for you.”

Be there. Attend the funeral. Send a card periodically with brief messages and Scripture. Ask about practical help, such as organizing meals or errands.

Be sensitive. Ask this person what has been helpful or not.

Christians can grieve with hope. We should grieve with hope for believers who died. Remember the resurrection of Christ and the resurrection of believers (1 Thess. 4:13-18). We can remind others of this eternal reality, thanking God for this person’s salvation and faithful ministry to others. We have hope when we remember God as the “Father of mercies and God of all comfort” (2 Cor. 1:3).

Lilly Park is associate professor of biblical counseling.